Preparations for Deployment

I can’t believe we are preparing for deployment. I’m still in complete denial.

My husband wants to discuss things like Power of Attorney and his living will, what happens if something happens to him, and what he would like me to do with the life insurance money.

…I don’t want to discuss any of the above and would like to slap my husband across the face every time he brings it up.

This is where I am in my life. Learning how to Army-Roll a t-shirt and why certain fabrics aren’t allowed in a combat zone. Helping my husband to fit his entire life into a ruck sack. Talking about things like life insurance. This is where I am but not where I want to be.

I remember the day we found out he was deploying. My husband is National Guard, so we have a few more luxuries than Active Duty families (I have so much respect for them.). One of those luxuries is that we found out about the dreaded deployment months ahead of time. We had plenty of time to come to grips with it. (Not that I did, however.)

Anyways, I was sitting in my living room enjoying a bowl of straight broccoli. I was pregnant and we were very excited for the baby on the way. Just living in our own little, blissful bubble. My husband got a phone call and took it in the other room and when he came back, had a grim look on his face.. one of shock and despair, but not for him. It was more like he had just heard bad news and didn’t know how to tell me.

So, he just told me. Ripped the band-aid off. “We’re deploying in April.”

I’m a National Guard wife. I’ve watched Army Wives but I don’t know what’s real life and what’s dramatic for TV. I have friends who are married to soldiers but they don’t really discuss their husband’s deployments or work with me. (In hindsight, I understand why now.) This is whole new ball game for me.

I said, “Ok. Where to?” and he told me. I said, “for how long?” and he told me.

All I could think about it was our baby. He would miss everything. The first time he smiled, the first time he talked, the first time he walked, the first time he rolled over, etc etc. He would miss the first everything.

I must have thought about it too much because at about 3 AM that night, I started bleeding.

We lost a baby boy that day. The doctors wanted me to deliver him and gave me three days to let my body go into natural labor, but my body didn’t want to let him go, so I ended up having surgery later that week. And then he was gone. Just like that.

I lost my son and I was soon going to lose my husband.

I went through a dark time for a few weeks where I blamed myself and thought and thought and thought about what I could have done differently. My doctors told me that when there is a problem with a pregnancy or the way the baby is growing – your body will naturally terminate the pregnancy. They told me that “If something is wrong with your pregnancy, it was wrong from the very beginning. You couldn’t have done anything differently.”

But you don’t hear that when they tell you. I mean, really hear it. All you think about is – what he would’ve been like, what he would’ve looked like, and if you wished this in some twisted way when you freaked out about your husband missing his first year.

I would wake up in the middle of the night to someone hysterically crying and realize it was me. It hurts even sitting here writing about it. I know “miscarriage” is something people either talk a lot about or they don’t say a word. For me, afterwards, talking about it was all I wanted to do. I needed it. As crazy as it sounds, I needed people to tell me their stories and I needed to feel like it was not the end.

So, my husband and I never do anything normal. If we fall in love, it’s dramatic. If he gets deployed, it’s dramatic. It’s like we have to go through it the hardest way possible.

It has brought us so much closer together though. I’m so proud of my husband and the way he dealt with everything.

And now here we are, preparing for this deployment that is rapidly approaching and I’m still so proud. I wish I could read his mind. You know? Know what he is really feeling deep underneath all of this macho-man-hooah B.S.

Even if he never shows me how vulnerable and nervous he really is, he knows that I’m here for him whenever he needs me. Just like he was there for me through our miscarriage.

Xox.

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